it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Randomize