Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
