I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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