Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
