we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
