can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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