I feel great
I just peed on a car
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
