my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
