I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
