Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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