So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
