I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
