I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
