if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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