so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
