One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
