Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
