I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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