I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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