so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
