I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
