Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Randomize