There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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