I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
