Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
