My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You made out with two different species that night
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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