Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
