She just used a chaser for red wine.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
