WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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