Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
