In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
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