she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
