he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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