after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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