when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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