No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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