gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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