we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
