i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
