Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
