we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
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