He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Randomize
