I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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