there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
And then he peed in my hair
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