if only i could text you this smell
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
