Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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