I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
