oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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