those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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