My sheets look like a crime scene.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Randomize
