All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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