evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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