I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
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