so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
