You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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