i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
