btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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