id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I'm always down for nudity.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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