Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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