I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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