i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
