she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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