You're completely useless in the revolution.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
