I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
