So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
